After attending Open AA meetings and Al-Anon for some time, I pretty much was starting to realize that everyone that came there, came there for the same reason. We were sick, mentally and emotionally.

The good news was that many were becoming better, by working the 12-steps. The bad news was that some were still extremely sick and needy. From that night a few years back, when I’d first fallen to my knees in despair, I had realized I needed help, even though I wasn’t the one abusing drugs and alcohol.

So the night when I connected with my new friends at AA, I desperately needed companionship. Carol and her hubby Don, filled the bill. They said they’d keep in touch for the next few weeks, till I got my footing as a single woman. They called one night with an offer to take a motorcycle ride with one of their male friends. I accepted.

That’s how my relationship with Mike began. He was about my age, seemed nice enough, and it felt good to put my arms around a man again, as I rode on the back of his motorcycle.

Like a fool, I rushed headlong into another relationship. I let him move in, even though I didn’t know too much about him. I did know that he had been in AA for five years and was no longer drinking. I actually thought that meant I was safe with him.

I soon found out different. The biggest irony came one day when I asked him if he had seen the movie Platoon. He shot me a strange look, and quietly said, “Didn’t have to. I saw the play.”

Stupid me. It didn’t register. “Play? I didn’t know they’d made it into a play?”

Looking annoyed, he shot back, “God, you’re dumb. I was in Vietnam. Marines, just like your ex.”

I nearly fell to my knees with this news. It was the last thing I wanted or needed to hear. And in the next few months I began seeing similar behavior as during my marriage. Mike would often go to bed without so much as a “goodnight, kiss my ass,” or anything.

Evenings were spent with me watching tv, and he across the room, silently drawing on his sketchpad. I might as well have been alone. He unnerved me with his coldness.

One day he verbally attacked me. Without thinking, I’d left a few beers in the fridge. “What’s wrong with you, you dumb bitch? Don’t you know keeping those around are a big temptation for me?”

I was still so wrapped up in my own grief, I hadn’t even thought about it. Finally, I’d had enough, and gave him a date to move out. I just hoped he would go peaceably. Luckily, he had some of his AA friends come and get his stuff. I stayed away in another room.

Once I heard their car pull away, I went out and checked the house. I opened the front door, and found he’d left the house key stuck in the doorknob, much as someone would do when leaving a motel room.

While I was relieved he was gone, I was also upset with myself. It was as if he’d just needed a place to stay, and that he’d taken advantage of my situation. There couldn’t have been much caring, to leave without so much as a “goodbye,” or “good luck.”

Thankfully, I started going to another place for meetings, in order to avoid seeing Mike. It was there, that I first heard the term dry drunk, and I began to investigate the term and its meaning.

More on that in my upcoming post…

From time to time, I think back to a relationship I had over twenty-four years ago. My husband (a Nam vet) of nineteen years had recently left me. I was totally devastated, especially when I found out he’d been having an affair with one of my (younger) friends.

I had been attending Al-Anon and Open AA meetings for several years prior to that, due to my husband’s overindulgence in booze. – Now that he was gone, I needed the fellowship I’d found there more than ever.

The meeting place was just a mile from my home. It was a stand-alone building that they actually called a clubhouse. They had meeting rooms as well as a snack bar, and also a recreation room with pool tables.

Well, the first night of my now single life, I made myself sit down on a barstool at the snack bar. I must have looked as pitiful as I felt, but then, a lot of us looked pitiful. I desperately needed to make a human connection; to have someone to tell my troubles to.

A man and woman next to me finally took notice. I began to pour my heart out to them. We talked for hours, till the club was ready to close. These two new friends were so concerned about my state-of-mind, that they urged me to come to their apartment for the night.

I reluctantly agreed, and we talked into the wee hours of the morning. They were a God-send to me. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through those dismal hours without their compassion and concern.

Little did I know that this new friendship would lead me (unwittingly) into another dysfunctional relationship with another combat vet. Or that I would soon learn the meaning of a dry drunk.

I’ll continue this in my next posting, and share what I learned through this strange pairing.

This is in response to a White-House led effort to prepare future physicians for the next generation of veteran patients. The plans were announced by First Lady Michelle Obama and officials from the Association of American Medical Colleges and the American Association of Colleges of Osteopathic Medicine recently.

A surprising fact from the article states that more than half of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans receiving treatment for mental health issues do not rely on Department of Veterans Affairs physicians, but instead turn to private medical practices.

Michelle Obama said,

“We have to meet our veterans and military families where they live. We have to engage all of this country’s doctors, nurses and health care providers on the challenges these families face, especially on the issues of mental health.”

Officials from the associations stated that that the goal is to ensure that young medical professionals become familiar with the signature wounds of war, as well as to be able to more effectively treat the millions of veterans who will be struggling with these issues for decades  to come.

To read the complete article, go to:

http://www.stripes.com/news/medical-schools-to-increase-focus-on-ptsd-tbi-1.165601?loc…

Note:

This is encouraging news. There is so much more to be learned about PTSD and its treatment, as well as Traumatic Brain Injury. These problems are incurred by the civilian population as well as the military. I’m glad to see nurses will be included in this focus, as they are the hands-on-caregivers in medical facilities.

In my daily life, I’m often astounded by the ignorance that still exists on the subject of PTSD. Encountering this problem so often is what keeps me motivated to continue writing this blog, and share my personal PTSD experience.

I pray for a day when the general public and all medical providers will have a much deeper understanding of what so many of us live with day after day, year after year.

Hopefully, this will go a long way toward erasing the stigma that is still attached to those who suffer with this often misunderstood illness.

Just this week we met with my husband’s new oncologist. She is a young, petite doctor, and we were very impressed by her calm, compassionate attitude. Actually, we’ve been satisfied with all the VA doctors so far.

Whenever we’re at the VA, I pick up literature, and am always amazed by what I learn. The War Related Illness and Injury Study Center (WRIISC) is a VA National program that specializes in post-deployment care for Veterans with Difficult to Diagnose Illnesses and deployment related exposure concerns.

For more information, go to:

http://www.WarRelatedIllness.va.gov

Does this mean they will all end up as skid row bums? Far from it.  For many, alcohol consumption will become a way of life and they may be able to maintain a career and family life for many years.

I recently came across a website that highlights the term high-functioning alcoholics (HFA). I immediately thought of the many HFA’s I’ve known in my lifetime. Some are from my past, and some are known to me in my current life.

I’m sure many of my readers will be nodding their heads in recognition. Others might not have ever heard the term before. But I’m betting all of you know, and come in contact with, many HFA’s. You just might not know it for a fact.

From the website Addiction Intervention we learn many things about HFA’s. I’ll be pointing out some main points from the article How to Recognize a High-Functioning Alcoholic. In the intro, it is written:

 They’re often unrecognizable as alcoholics, walking among us, able to carry out (at least superficially) their responsibilities. Perhaps they’re even members of our own families. The high-functioning alcoholic is very adept at concealing their alcoholism—even from themselves. But the signs are there. You just have to look for them.

High-Functioning Alcoholics are:

High-functioning alcoholics are those people who are convincingly able to go through their prescribed roles and carry out their duties—yet continue to drink alcohol. They are able to maintain relationships with family, friends, and colleagues, and keep up with their job and home. In essence, they lead a double life: they are outwardly successful, capable spouses, siblings, children or other relative, friend, and coworker, while inside they are alcoholics.

Warnings signs of HFA’s:

The longer the FHA goes without treatment, the more likely he or she will display some of these warning signs and symptoms:

• The HFA surrounds himself with others who like to drink.
• Obsesses over alcohol—the thought of alcohol is never far from the mind of the HFA.
• One drink is never enough for the HFA.
• Alcohol is part of their lives. They cannon imagine a life without alcohol.
• Tries to quit but fails.
• Has blackouts, memory losses, or worse. Physical, emotional, psychological, social and/or legal problems intensify.

Alcoholism is such a complex disease, that it takes a lot of education to begin to understand its many aspects. I hope those of you who suspect you may have a problem yourself, or have a loved one who you suspect of being a HFA, will make it a priority to become knowledgeable on this subject. We’re talking life and death here.

Alcoholism is a progressive illness. It won’t get better on its own. It only gets worse. But with knowledge, there is great hope.

To read more, go to:

http://www.addiction-intervention.com/addiction/alcoholism/how-to-recognize-a-high-fu…

Perhaps you’ve already been diagnosed with PTSD. If not, and you suspect that you might have it, this is a great book to help you understand if you have PTSD. If you determine that you have all the symptoms, or if you already know you have PTSD, there is much to be gained from this book.

I surprised myself when I turned to pg. 42, and began reading about Constructing a Trauma Inventory. I thought I’d addressed all the traumas in my life. But going over the list of possible traumas, I was shocked to see how many I’ve actually experienced.

We know that multiple traumas can cause Complex PTSD. And of course, we now know that Complex PTSD can cause digestive problems, chronic pain, cardiopulmonary symptoms, and sexual symptoms. The body remembers trauma.

Here are just a few situations that may cause PTSD, from the list:

• Surviving a natural disaster
• Witnessing a natural death
• Witnessing a violent death
• Being in an automobile accident
• Surviving an assault or mugging
• Being exposed to war
• Being sexually abused as a child

It is important to try and remember the events that have predisposed oneself to PTSD. While it can be painful and distressing, it can also be the beginning of healing. The authors note that you have survived the traumas and you have used many positive character traits to do so.

Going over this list was very enlightening to me. I believe recovery from PTSD is a life-long challenge, but it also offers us a way to truly get to know ourselves. Making a trauma inventory helps us see where we’ve been, what we’ve endured, and lets us put it it all into perspective. I highly recommend this workbook.

I became aware of her work way back in the late 80’s when she first published Vietnam Veterans Wives. I’ll never forget the shock and excitement I felt when I found the book in a bookstore. I remember thinking “Finally. Someone knows that I exist!”

That book was priceless to me, and has helped in my education of PTSD, as well as in  my recovery. The fact that Matsakis published the book, helped me to feel somewhat “validated.” Up until that time, I had felt invisible and alone.

I believe she is a national treasure. She has worked with combat vets and their families for many years and her insights are amazing.

In Back from the Front, on pg. 439, she offers advice for the significant others of combat vets.

•       Do not tolerate abuse of any kind. Under no circumstances should your veteran’s difficulties be used as an excuse for emotional, physical, sexual, or economic abuse of you or anyone else.
•      Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. Learn all you can about PTSD, clinical depression, dissociation, addiction or whatever type of traumatic reaction and symptoms your loved one is experiencing.
•      Develop a support system for yourself. There will be times when your vet will not be emotionally or physically available to you. Hence you cannot make him the only source of  affection, companionship or affirmation in your life.

                   And always try to remember. Your veteran is important, and so are you!

I hope all of you will become familiar with Matsakis’s work. She is one of the most knowledgeable psychologists working with combat vets and their families. She has been in the field for over thirty years and has many trauma-related titles available.

I have been studying PTSD for many years, and I still continue to learn about this most complex of illnesses. Experts like Matsakis can teach us so much! Her website has listings of all of her books, plus many wonderful, insightful articles.

Check out her website for more information:

http://www.matsakis.com

I had others come up to me and quietly say “I could relate to what you were saying.”

And then, there was the mother of the young Army soldier who had just endured his first major trauma, of seeing a fellow soldier crushed under a vehicle when it overturned during a training accident. Her response to me was one of great gratitude for sharing some of my own traumatic experiences.

While she and I shared a conversation after the reading, so much was unspoken between us. I think just the fact that I was there, telling my story, gave her hope that she will survive too. Her son will soon go off to war. She needs to know that with all the terror and foreboding of having a loved one in a war zone, millions upon millions of mothers, fathers, spouses, children, and other family members have gotten through it.

Many times in my younger years, when my loved one was in Vietnam, my emotions were so raw, that I often felt that I wanted to die–just to escape the fear and pain. Then when my son went to Germany, while serving in the Army, I wasn’t sure I’d survive that. It was right after an American soldier had been killed there, in a bombing of a nightclub.

Plus just days after my son arrived in Germany, the Chernobyl, Ukraine, nuclear accident happened. I remember watching the Phil Donohue talk show days later, where he talked about the fact that radiation was wafting over Germany. To this day, I worry about the long-term effects of that on my son.

Thinking back, I also was reminded of the time years ago, when I first started going to Al-Anon and Open AA meetings. I can still picture one young woman who got up and spoke to a large group of AA members. She was in Al-Anon, and wanted to share her story of how the group had helped her improve her situation, and how their support had allowed her to learn to laugh again.

She glowed as she spoke enthusiastically about the program, and its positive effects on herself and her family. I remember being so impressed by her, and feeling just a glimmer of hope that perhaps, someday, I could crawl out of my deep despair, feel joy again, and perhaps in time, even get up in front of a group of people and share my story too.

Sometimes, I can’t believe that I’m there! It’s taken years to achieve enough personal growth to believe in myself enough, to stand in front of an audience and talk about my life; where I’ve been, how I’ve healed my mind, body and soul, from the many heartaches and traumas that I’ve lived through.

I’ve found that by learning to speak out about my traumatic experiences, I have felt a great sense of peace and validation. It’s very empowering.

I have to say, I am now grateful that I have lived life so fully, with its drama, confusion, disappointments, and challenges. I’ve gotten back much more than I’ve given.

For all of you out there, who’ve yet to share your PTSD story, be encouraged. It gets easier each time you talk abut your deepest trauma. I liken it to lancing a boil. There is so much relief when you lance it, and get the poison out. Don’t let if fester. Get it out!

If you’re not ready to tell your loved ones, just think. Sometimes, it’s actually easier to tell strangers. I’ve found this to be true. I’m sending positive thoughts for all of you who may not even be aware that you “need to tell your story.” Someone else is out there, eagerly waiting and needing, to hear what you have to say.

Just this past Veterans Day, November 11^th, my writers group had our annual public reading. While I write about other things besides my experience with PTSD, I decided it would be appropriate to speak about my personal experiences of having lived with PTSD for many years, and continuing to recover from the illness.

It’s not always easy to share such intimate stories of what has happened behind closed doors. But I have learned through experience, of the value “in the telling.” I first started writing about my life after Vietnam, while I was in junior college. I had gone back to school after my divorce from a Nam vet.

I took a lot of prerequisites and did well, as an older returning student. Finally, I decided to take advantage of an elective. English and Composition had been my favorite class in high school, so I decided I might enjoy a Creative Writing class.

Much to my surprise, one of my first poems was about the heartache I’d been through, living with a combat vet, who did too much drinking, and was quite complicated emotionally. I’d also had many classmates who had been drafted and died in Vietnam.

I began to realize how deeply and negatively my life had been impacted by the war. I was surprised by the reactions of my fellow college students and my professor, to my work. They seemed to be amazed and curious about my life. They were very supportive and encouraging, as my deepest secrets were exposed through my writings.

That class was the catalyst for what I do today. Back in the 70’s, PTSD didn’t even have a name. We tried to keep our problems to ourselves. I only became aware of what PTSD was, back in 1987, when a crisis led me to the Veterans Outreach Center for counseling. I had to go alone, as my then husband refused to seek help.

I never dreamed then, that eventually I’d be speaking to groups about the subject. Dottie Walters, a famous speaker, has noted that when a person gives a speech, there is generally one person in the audience who desperately needs to hear what you have to say.

This was proven out to me this past Friday night. The last person who got up to the podium to speak, was a lovely young woman. She started out saying how much my speaking about my PTSD experiences had touched her. You see, her son is twenty years young, in the Army, and preparing to deploy to a war zone.

Recently, while on a training mission, the vehicle he was riding in, overturned and killed a fellow soldier. The woman’s son was unable to speak for three days afterward, due to the trauma. So here he is, not even at war yet, and he has been dramatically affected for life.

After she told us about her love for her son and her fears for his future, she broke into song; a passionate, awe-inspiring rendition of Amazing Grace. That was some ending to our event.

As we were leaving the room where we’d had the readings, she and I nearly fell into each other’s arms. We hugged for quite some time. There were a few words exchanged, (she told me I was amazing) but a lot was unspoken, while we basked in a feeling of mutual understanding. It was a beautiful thing for both of us.

Every time I share my story like I did that night, a piece of me feels like “it’s been put back together.” I’m telling you now, those who are suffering with the great pain that PTSD can bring, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be surprised how, each time you are brave enough to “bare your soul” healing can come in (often in unexpected ways) and start mending that which has been broken.

Shared pain can bring great healing. I know. I’ve been where you are. Trust me, it can get better.

In my next post, I’ll explore this topic even more. It’s one worth “talking about.”

I recently came across the fix, which I can’t say enough good things about. Wow, do they have some awesome articles!

As someone whose life has been affected by a loved one’s abuse of alcohol and other substances, I’m always looking for new insights. Years of attending Al-Anon, Open AA meetings, plus attending over 60 lectures at a treament center on understanding alcoholism and its effects on the alcoholic and his family, certainly opened my eyes to the complexity of the disease.

Even with all that education, I still feel there is so much to learn. Today, I still consider myself “a recovering person.” I’ve read that sometimes a “co-alcoholic” is even sicker in their thinking, than the practicing alcoholic. When I first learned that fact, I recoiled at the idea that that could be so!

But today I am convinced that it is certainly possible. My thinking had gotten so warped when I was living in the alcoholic atmosphere, that I actually started telling myself, “I’m strong. I can take whatever he dishes out!” Now, how sick is that?? They don’t call it “stinking thinking” for nothing.

Thankfully, today I have regained my sanity, and live a peaceful life. I’ve learned the hard way that we have to take care of ourselves, before anyone else. So if you want to learn from others who have “walked the walk” check out the fix- addiction and recovery, straight up.

I will be referring to their website and what they have to offer, quite often. I feel I have found a great resource there, and am happy to pass it on. We’re all “a work in progress.” There is help and knowledge so readily available now, for those that want it.

I shudder to think what direction my life might have gone in, if it hadn’t been for my reaching out to those who knew more than I. So visit their site. You’ll be glad you did.

http://www.thefix.com