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By Charlene Rubush, October 15, 2010 4:09 pm

From the National Network to End Domestic Violence website:

http://www.nnedv.org

Domestic violence is a crime of epidemic proportions and a public health crisis – affecting one in every four women during her life time and 15.5 million children every year.

Urge Congress to Reauthorize the Family Violence Prevention and Services Act (FVPSA)

FVPSA is the heart of our nation’s response to domestic violence – funding lifesaving services for victims and their children at over 1,600 domestic violence shelters and programs across the country. However, FVPSA expired in 2008 and must be reauthorized so federal funds can continue to support crucial work. Please help ensure victims and their children have a place to rebuild their shattered lives.

 

 

Too many of us can relate to victims of domestic violence. When I read about the resources that are available to victims today, I am reminded of my own experience back i nthe 1980′s. My then husband, a Nam combat vet, was coming home dead drunk about four nights of the week.

He’d usually arrive home about 3 or 4 am. I’d never know what to expect. Some nights he’d be in a romantic mood. Other nights, he’d be in an angry, hateful mood. One night he called from a bar, and was verbally abusive on the phone. I knew I would be in for a hellish night once he got home. I was at my breaking point, and decided I was not going to be there when he arrived.

Not wanting to go to my parents (too ashamed for them to know what was really going on in my life) I drove myself and yyoung daughter to a pay phone. I looked in the yellow pages and called a womens’ shelter. A female answered the phone. I told her I was frantic, and needed a safe place to spend the night.

She answered, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you. There’s no counselor here right now. I’m just staying here myself.”  Hearing her words, I felt like I’d just been punched hard in my stomach. It had taken me years to get to this point of  utter desperation. I hung up the phone and got back in the car. I looked in my purse, and counted out thirty-five dollars.

I started driving to a main drag in our town, that had numerous cheap motels. Soon, my befuddled daughter and I were inside a dreary room, with a double bed. We laid down and tried to rest, but angy, drunken voices next door made it impossible to relax (as if we could have considering the circumstances).

It was a horrendous experience; one that to this day I’d rather not recall..After that night, I felt more trapped in my situation than ever. I’d finally reached out fo help, and exposed my dirty little secret, and there was no help for me.

That’s why I feel so passionate about the availability of domestic violence shelters for those who are suffering abuse at home. I pray no woman (or man) who is being abused, will ever be turned away, as I was.  Now, some twenty-five years late, I still get a knot in my stomach whenever I pass by a Scottish Inn motel.

Organizations such as the National Network to End Domestic Violence are working hard to make sure a safe place will exist for those who need it.

 

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By Charlene Rubush, October 6, 2010 10:03 pm

In light of  October being “Domestic Violence Awareness Month” I’m posting some reviews of books I’ve found helpful in understanding what causes a spouse or loved one to resort to domestic abuse, often in the form of verbal and emotional abuse. I learned a lot by reading the book  listed below: (This review is posted on http://www.amazon.com)

No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their  Men by Mary Susan Miller Ph.D. (Ballantine Books, 1996)

                —An Awesome Book Shining Light on a Pervasive Problem, that also Provides Hope

Even if you, as a woman, have not been personally affected by verbal and emotional abuse, surely you know of a woman who has been, or is currently being harmed.

I am so grateful for having found this book, as it is extremely enlightening on many levels. The problem of  verbal, emotional, mental abuse in relationships, plus men controlling and demeaning women,   is too common in our society, as well as all over the world.

Dr. Miller’s work as an assistant in Family Court, aiding and counseling abused women, has given her a deep understanding of how the abuser operates. She delves deeply into the tactics he often uses, such as isolation from friends and family, name-calling meant to erode self-esteem, the playing of mind games, economic control, etc.

Miller not only names the problem, but provides informed advice for those women hoping or planning to leave their abuser.
She stresses the importance of obtaining counseling, which can help break through the wall of denial a victim experiences, plus provide comfort, relief, and help point out options the victim may be unaware of.

The book points out the many pitfalls a woman may experience as she fights her way out of her situation. There are police officers who may side with the abuser, as well as the fact that few judges will impose a jail sentence for non-physical abuse.

Yet, there are glimmers of change in society. Dr. Miller writes of programs such as EMERGE, the first men’s group for batterers, which opened in 1977, at the urging of local women’s shelters.

While we’re not there yet, Dr. Miller hopes for a day when programs begin to address non-physical abuse with the concern they express over physical abuse.

I believe this book should be required reading for students, male and female, while in middle school. The awareness that it brings might spare many people untold grief in their romantic relationships.

Dr. Miller is to be highly commended for this vital resource on this unpleasant, shameful subject which needs more exposure in our society. Wish I could give it ten stars!

Note:

While this book has been around for quite awhile, it gives excellent insights into the problem of verbal, emotional and mental abuse. It’s one I have found to be very valuable in beginning to understand the workings of the mind of an abuser, their tactics, the effect on the victim. It’s eye-opening, and can help the victim begin to find a way of of the hell they’re living in.

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By Charlene Rubush, October 4, 2010 11:26 am

October is “Domestic Violence Awareness Month.” This pervasive problem needs to be talked about every month of the year, in my opinion. As one who has been affected by it myself, I feel a duty to speak up.

While I survived my experience, there are lingering mental and emotional scars. A former husband (combat vet) had a catch-phrase he used often. He would tell me  (in a joking way, of course) “I’m the King, and you’re nothing.” Like water rushing over a rock, it eventually wears down the rock. You hear it enough, you begin to believe it, if only on a subconscious level.

I often wonder where he came up with that term. Perhaps his own father ( also a combat vet) used it on his wife, although I never bore witness to that. It will remain a mystery. And another mystery confounds me still. Why did I put up with it? My answer comes “Times were different then. Women were taught to defer to their husbands.” Plus the erosion of my self-esteem sapped my energy. I had little ego strength left to stand up to him. I also had two small children to raise. Oh, yes, and I had left him once before. He threatened suicide-begged me to come back. Promised to get counseling. And so it goes.

From the Womens Health Government website, we learn the distinct signs to be aware of, concerning verbal and emotional abuse. If these things are happening to you, you are being detrimentally affected, whether consciously or sub-consciously. Today there are many organizations available to help you recognize and deal with this type of abuse. You have options. You don’t have to stay in an abusive situation.

Do these sound familiar?  (From http://www.womenshealth.gov)

“You’re so stupid. You never do anything right!” (If so, you may be a victim of emotional abuse).

Emotional and verbal abuse—attempts to isolate, threaten, or intimidate—can harm you, even if you are not being abused physically. Emotional and verbal abuse are also often a sign that physical abuse will follow.

Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse include:

• yelling
• criticizing
• name-calling
• blaming you for everything
• playing mind games or manipulating you
• ordering you around
• keeping you from spending time with friends and family
• threatening to hurt you

No one deserves to be abused, physically or verbally.

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By Charlene Rubush, July 30, 2010 8:33 pm

#HOPE is a service available across Verizon Wireless’ nationwide wireless network. By dialing #4673 then pressing send, callers will be connected directly to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, where they can receive the confidential help they need through empowerment-based crisis intervention, information and resources. The call is toll and airtime free. The Cause of Domestic violence touches all of us:

• One out of 3 American women report being abused at some point in their lifetime.
• 21 percent of full-time, employed adults report they have been a victim.
• Wireless phones and technology can serve as a vital link to emergency or support services in a time of crisis or as a reliable, safe connection to employers, family and friends as survivors rebuild their lives.

http://aboutus.vzw.com/communityservice/hopeLine.html

The numbers since HopeLine’s national phone recycling and re-use program was launched in 2001, Verizon Wireless:

• Has collected more than 5.6 million phones.
• Awarded more than $6.3 million in cash grants to domestic violence agencies and organizations throughout the country.
• Distributed more than 76,000 phones with more than 228 million minutes of free wireless service to be used by victims of domestic violence.
• Properly disposed of more than 1 million no-longer-used wireless phones in an environmentally sound way.
• Kept more than 200 tons of electronic waste and batteries out of landfills.