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By Charlene Rubush, December 11, 2012 4:56 pm

The holidays can be pretty stressful for the general population, with all the high expectations, hype, and sentimental music. And combat vets and their families may experience even greater anxiety than the average family.

For many veterans, the holidays bring back memories of some pretty horrendous events they’ve experienced. They then may have “anniversary reactions” that are either conscious or subconscious. This might result in nightmares, increased anxiety, and uncomfortable physical reactions.

I can remember some pretty sad holidays I spent with my first spouse when he came back from the war. While nothing was said about Nam, I knew his experiences were always there in the back of his mind. He’d stay away from home a lot, while I was left to do all the preparations, like trimming the tree, buying and wrapping presents, etc.

It was up to me to try and remain cheerful for the children. Putting on a happy face when you’re feeling sad and lonely, can be exhausting after awhile. And in those days, we had no Internet, no support at all. At least today we have information available that can help us get the most out of the holidays, or sometimes to merely “survive” them.

The website VietNow has an excellent article on “Coping with the Holidays.” How I wish I’d had something like that to read, back in the day when I was dealing with such challenges with my combat spouse. But better late, than never.

As the authors, Mary Tendall and Jan Fishler note in the article:

Coping with a grumpy spouse is a challenge that often requires compassion and creativity.

For more insights on how to best handle the holidays with your combat spouse, go to:

 http://www.vietnow.com/pagesptsd/ptsdholidays.htm

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By Charlene Rubush, January 3, 2011 3:57 pm

Although Christmas has now passed, I’ve been reflecting on the ways our combat veterans often have trouble emotionally dealing with the holidays.

Memories of Christmas’s that I experienced many years ago, when I was married to a Marine Corps Vietnam combat vet, have resurfaced in my mind. I thought of how uncertain they were. It seemed that my former husband could only enjoy the holidays, if we were able to spend them with his parents and siblings.

But there were years when we weren’t able to travel to see them. Those Christmas’s inevitably were full of tension and devoid of joy. He would get uptight. He would close down emotionally. He would often spend a lot of time away from home. His actions added to my increasing feelings of inadequacy. I did my best to cope, and try to put on a happy face for the kids, but it was tough.

What made it even worse was that my parents had always made a big, happy deal of Christmas. I grieved for the lost magic that I’d always associated with that special time of year, and for the fact that our children would not have such memories to recall as they grew up.

I knew my vet’s problematic emotions were related to things he’d experienced in Nam, and yet those things were mostly kept quiet. The only times he could open up, were the many nights when he was extremely inebriated.

I share these memories now, because I know so many of you are going through similar circumstances. Charles R. Figley, author of Strangers at Home- Vietnam Veterans Since the War, writes (p.49)

 “There is a core of anger in the soul of almost every veteran, and we are justified in calling it bitterness, but the bitterness of one man is not the same as the bitterness of another. In one man it becomes a consuming flame that sears his soul and burns his body. In another it is barely traceable….much depends upon the veteran’s temperament, upon where and under what circumstances he served, and upon his experiences after he is released from service.”

I am so grateful for the understanding and insight I’ve gained from learning from experts such as Charles R. Figley. When I was going through my troubled times living with my combat vet, I only had my own intuition to guide me. There was so little information available then, for those of us who were living with the fallout of the Vietnam War. 

For those of you struggling this holiday season, I say “Hang in there. Learn all you can. Reach out for help, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Things can and do get better.”

I’m living proof. I’ve just had a lovely, peaceful Christmas, and I’m grateful. Very grateful for my many blessings. It’s been a long road of healing, but I’m getting there. You can too.