This certainly applied to me many years ago, and before I hit my bottom emotionally, physically and spiritually. I’d grown up watching my mother wait on my father hand-and-foot. I thought that was the way life was supposed to be.

So naturally, when I married my combat vet, I followed in my mom’s footsteps. I felt I was “born to serve.” For years and years, I took pride in my ability to “take care of my man.” But slowly and insidiously, that pride turned into exhaustion. As the saying goes, “Pride goeth before a fall.”

I worked, ferried kids back and forth to school, did all the housework, and dealt with constant sleepless nights, due to a drunken husband arriving home in the wee hours. It eventually did me in. Something had to give.

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, is an expert in the study of codependency. While working at a treatment center in Minneapolis, she organized support groups for wives of addicts in the program.

She notes, “I saw people who constantly gave to others but didn’t know how to receive. I saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything. I saw some give until they gave up.” She also recalls:

“I even saw one woman give and suffer so much that she died of ‘old age’ and natural causes at age 33. She was the mother of five children and the wife of an alcoholic who had been sent to prison for the third time.”

As to me, I finally realized I needed help and started attending Codependents Anonymous meetings, along with AA and Al-Anon meetings. It was quite eye-opening. I realized I’d gone beyond being nice and had turned myself into a martyr and a doormat.

Worst of all, my husband didn’t love me any more for it. If anything, he felt contempt for me. I came to realize we’d been living a sick life and things had to change. Unfortunately, we ended up divorced, but there was some good that came out of my experience. I learned that until I valued and took care of my own needs, I’d have little left to give to others.

I believe spouses of combat vets may be particularly prone to keep “giving too much” precisely because our veteran has already “given too much.” We feel “it’s the least we can do.” But too often, we end up paying too high a price and lose our very selves in the process. That’s tragic for all involved, especially our children!

Beattie eventually realized her own codependency. She writes, “Through my experience with codependency, I found my self. Everything from our pasts has prepared and propelled us to this moment; today prepares us for tomorrow. And it all works out for the good. Nothing’s wasted.”

It’s a lot to think about…

To learn more about Co-Dependents Anonymous, go to:

http://www.coda.org

In Patience Mason’s acclaimed book, Recovering From the War- A Guide for All Veterans Family Members, Friends and Therapists, she has a chapter (9, pg.268) devoted to “Our Problems.” That is, the spouse and other family members of combat vets.

She writes “So far I’ve been talking as though the veteran’s the only one with problems. But his problems can become your biggest problem, and it can wear you out. What can you do if you’re at the end of your rope? How do you find the strength to go on?”

Looking back on my own life and a long-term marriage to a Nam vet, I often wonder how I survived the sleepless nights and the constant worry about his self-destructive behavior. Mason notes that how she found her strength, was to think about her husband’s time in Vietnam. She said that gave her the perspective of “If he could do that, then I can do this: stand by him.”

Standing by a loved one is one thing, but enabling inexcusable behavior is another. She  notes that there are three C’s to co-dependency: the belief that you caused the problems your loved one is having; the belief that if you do things right, you can control it, and the belief that you can eventually cure it.

This certainly describes the way I was thinking and feeling during my marriage. She also asserts that co-dependency is progressive. “As we become more focused on the other person’s problem, we become increasingly tolerant of inappropriate behavior.”

This reminds me of the nights when my former spouse would arrive home in the wee hours, stumbling through the door and reeking of booze. I’d wearily walk to the driveway, holding a flashlight. I’d scan the exterior of his car, looking for any signs of an accident, or worst of all, some poor soul’s blood.

Long after my divorce from my vet, I wrote this poem:

Intoxication

Once the smell of my Intimate
perfume intoxicated him. But
life took its toll and

soon Jack Daniels whiskey
did the trick. Spirits so
available, dependable,

never saying no. I
lost him to the
organic substance.

Now he wanders
in a world where
I choose not
to go.

I’m going to leave this blog post there, and continue with more information on co-dependency in upcoming articles. It’s a deep subject, and a vital one.

In the Introduction, he asserts that “One of the surprising things about alcoholism is how little most experts know. The main problem is that the definition they have agreed upon fails to describe the affliction in its early-stages. As a result, the current practice of identifying alcoholism is comparable to waiting until tumors become the size of basketballs before diagnosing cancer.”

When I reflect on my own personal experience with loved ones and friends, I can see how true it is. Too many people I’ve known and cared for have suffered this very sad, yet predictable fate. Some of them were combat vets and too young to have to die from this treatable disease.

We’re losing many of our returning Iraq and Afghanistan combat vets to this miserable illness, as well as our Vietnam vets, Gulf War, WWII; the list goes on and on.

Another tragic fact about alcoholism is found in Part III, titled “Middle-Stage or Polydrug Clues (pg.83.) The author notes “Although displaying multiple symptoms of early-stage alcoholism, most alcoholics are not identified as such until well into the progression of the disease.

Father Joseph Martin suggests that it can take about nine years on average for a spouse to begin tentatively diagnosing alcoholism in the other spouse. It probably takes another ten or twenty years for the non-alcoholic spouse to share suspicions with outsiders. No one is served by keeping the family secrets, yet the stigma of alcoholism precludes discussion, without which a confirmed diagnosis may be impossible.” 

This particular chapter reminds me of an incident that has lingered in my memory. While working as a hairdresser in a large department store many years ago, I had a middle-aged woman as a client. I’d done her hair on several occasions and found her to be a lovely, pleasant, working woman.

One day she arrived for her appointment and I immediately noticed she seemed terribly upset and had been visibly crying. I gently asked if she was alright. She broke down sobbing and told me her husband had just gotten his second DUI. “There goes our retirement money. Everything I’ve worked for will go to his lawyer.”

It was hard to find any words to comfort her. What can you say in a situation like that?

Anyway, after that she rarely came to get her hair done. I’ve often wondered how her life turned out. I’d like to think that some miracle happened and everything turned out okay. But that’s probably not too realistic.

The sad truth is there’s still too much ignorance about alcoholism, too much shame, and too many heartbreaking results.

If it were up to me, I’d make books like Thorburn’s required reading in schools. As with any illness, knowledge is power and the earlier this disease is recognized, the better chances for recovery are possible.

Doug Thorburn runs a non-profit organization dedicated to promulgating the idea that early identification of alcoholism prevents tragedy.

Check it out at:

http://www.PrevenTragedy.org

Each April since 1987, the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD) has sponsored NCADD Alcohol Awareness Month to increase public awareness and understanding, reduce stigma, encourage individuals and families to seek help and to engage local communities in bringing attention to alcoholism and alcohol-related problems.

This month, NCADD has chosen the theme, “Help for Today, Hope for Tomorrow.” There will be numerous activities going on around the country to create awareness and encourage individuals and families to get help for alcohol-related problems.

Here are some startling facts about alcohol abuse:

• 18 million people age 18 and older have an alcohol use disorder.
• Alcohol causes about 80,000 deaths per year. It is the third leading preventable cause of death in the U.S.
• Alcohol costs our society $225 billion in lost productivity, health care, accidents, etc.
• One in four children grows up in a home with an alcohol problem.

The article also points out that alcohol is directly related to traffic accidents, violence, suicide, educational failure, alcohol overdose, prescription drug overdose, unsafe sex and other problem behaviors.

One of the major points made is that alcohol awareness is essential for the health of our country. Alcoholism and addiction too often develops at a young age. Intervention, treatment and recovery support are vital for those who are addicted, as well as their family members.

For more information, visit their website at:

http://www.ncadd.org

Also, according to the National Center for PTSD:

•  More than two of ten veterans with PTSD also have a Substance Use Disorder
•  War Veterans with PTSD and alcohol problems tend to be binge drinkers.
•  In the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, about one in ten returning soldiers have a problem with alcohol or drugs.

Visit: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/ptsd_substance_abuse_veterans.asp to learn more about this increasing problem. There is a saying often heard in AA and Al-Anon. Nothing changes if nothing changes.There is help, there is hope!

• Thirty to 60 percent of people seeking treatment for substance abuse problems also have PTSD.
• People with severe PTSD symptoms are at greater risk for substance abuse problems than people with mild PTSD symptoms, indicating that drugs and alcohol are used as self-medication.
• Between 60 and 80 percent of Vietnam veterans seeking treatment for PTSD also have alcohol problems.

It may be hard to believe, but 18 million Americans have an alcohol use disorder!!

As someone who has spent a lot of time in Al-Anon and Open AA meetings, I have seen the amazing results that can come when one is open to learning about what alcoholism is, and how it affects lives.

I’ve seen people come back from the pit of hell and been awed by how they were able to turn their lives around into living a sane and productive life.

I’ve also known those who have refused to change, and paid a tremendous price; not only financially, but by death and lost relationships.

Today, there is a tremendous wealth of knowledge on addiction in its many forms. There are so many great resources available too, if one is open to becoming educated. I’ll be writing more on this important subject throughout the month. Stay tuned.

Here are a few great websites to check out on the subject:

To help determine a drinking problem, a test is available from Alcoholscreening.org (www.alcoholscreening.org) a service of Boston University’s School of Public Health.

Narcotics Anonymous offers a self-quiz that can give you insight into how drug use is affecting your life. Visit www.na.org/ips/an/an-IP7.htm and click on “Am I an Addict?”

I never set out to be a writer; not consciously at least. But when I went back to school later in life (and after my divorce from a Vietnam veteran) I took many of my prerequisite classes with gusto.

Then on a whim, I took an elective class, which turned out to be Creative Writing. Shortly into the course, I found myself pouring my guts out on the page. It was as if a dam had broken and my feelings about, and experiences with the Vietnam War and how it had affected my life, just burst forth from me.

Those early writings have led to much of the healing I’ve found today. I share this poem with you now, in the hopes that you too, will try your hand at writing about those deep feelings that you may not even realize are lurking in your self-conscious.

Good luck!

The Children Must Be Fed

Their voices call within my head,
“Mommy, please get out of bed! We’re
starving, starving, we gotta go to school.”

I hear them but my mind’s too numb
to make my muscles move. No sleep
last night, Daddy had another flashback.

Visions of napalm, he was back in Nam.
Back in Nam. He needed me, he needed
me. I want to sleep, I want to hide. This

is not what I expected as a young bride.
Dear God, where is the peace I crave,
is it on this earth, or in my grave?

This site has an eclectic mix of articles and posts; something for everyone.

Here are some titles that were recently on the site:

• Return from Afghanistan- by an AFOSI Wife
• War Is…Tell. Show and Tell, to be Precise.- Source: Battleland
• Wednesday Hero- by Hooah Wife & Friends
• When Blogging Goes Astray- by Exploits of a Military Mama
• Walt Disney World Salutes the Armed Forces-Updated!- Source: Homefront United Network
• Ten Career Options for Veterans- The Recruit Military Vet Ten-Source: The Fight Continues
• Families, Army, Navy, Veterans, Benefits & More

Many bloggers are veterans or active military. Check it out for more good stuff. They even provide free ebooks, shopping coupons, etc.

http://www.militaryblogs.org

Here’s a good place to go to take a free and anonymous screening test for combat-related PTSD.

Check out this information from their website:

Military life, especially the stress of deployments or mobilizations, can present challenges to service members and their families that are both unique and difficult. Some are manageable, some are not. Many times we can successfully deal with them on our own. In some instances matters get worse and one problem can trigger other more serious issues. At such times it is wise to check things out and see what is really happening. That’s the purpose of these totally anonymous and voluntary mental health testing self-assessments.

Go to http://www.militarymentalhealth.org to take the test. You’ve got nothing to lose and it may be helpful to you and yours.

“Let’s face it. Reality Stinks.”

For some reason, whenever I recall that quote, it brings me a chuckle, for it’s so true! And it also tends to bring me out of “my personal pity party.”

Dr. Ellis has been considered the “second most influential psychotherapist in history.” Ellis developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) which is the pioneering form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) back in 1955.

REBT is an action-oriented psychotherapy that teaches individuals to identify, challenge, and replace their self-defeating thoughts and beliefs with healthier thoughts that promote emotional well-being and goal achievement.

CBT is being used in many treatment settings with combat veterans. Cognitive therapy or restructuring, one of the best-validated PTSD treatments, is designed to help the patient review and challenge distressing trauma-related beliefs.

It focuses on educating participants about the relationships between thoughts and emotions, exploring common negative thoughts held by trauma survivors, identifying personal negative beliefs, developing alternative interpretations or judgments, and practicing new thinking.

This is a systematic approach that goes well beyond simple discussion of beliefs to include individual assessment, self-monitoring of thoughts, homework assignments, and real-world practice. In particular, it may be a most helpful approach to a range of emotions other than fear – guilt, shame, anger, depression – that may trouble Veterans and their families.

I highly recommend reading any of Dr. Ellis works for those dealing with PTSD and wanting to learn great coping skills. You can also visit The Albert Ellis Institute (AEI) to learn more about this fascinating man and his renowned psychotherapy training institute.

AEI conducts research and provides continuing education for mental health professionals, self-help workshops for the public and affordable psychotherapy and psychological assessment.

http://www.albertellis.org

You’ll find timely information on education, money, careers, vet news, shopping and much more.

Here are some current article titles:

• TRICARE and Vet Status Rules Anger Vets
• Best Exercises: Muscle by Muscle
• Does Bodybuilding Destroy your Heart?
• 5 Tips for Working From Home
• Will Abortion Law change Help Female Troops?
• First Lady to Press Governors on Veterans’ Jobs

Military.com has something for service members in every branch of the services, as well as information focused on spouses of veterans.There are also many interesting and timely videos available on the site.

Check it out at:

http://www.military.com