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By Charlene Rubush, January 16, 2012 4:53 pm

Part One:

From time to time, I think back to a relationship I had over twenty-four years ago. My husband (a Nam vet) of nineteen years had recently left me. I was totally devastated, especially when I found out he’d been having an affair with one of my (younger) friends.

I had been attending Al-Anon and Open AA meetings for several years prior to that, due to my husband’s overindulgence in booze. – Now that he was gone, I needed the fellowship I’d found there more than ever.

The meeting place was just a mile from my home. It was a stand-alone building that they actually called a clubhouse. They had meeting rooms as well as a snack bar, and also a recreation room with pool tables.

Well, the first night of my now single life, I made myself sit down on a barstool at the snack bar. I must have looked as pitiful as I felt, but then, a lot of us looked pitiful. I desperately needed to make a human connection; to have someone to tell my troubles to.

A man and woman next to me finally took notice. I began to pour my heart out to them. We talked for hours, till the club was ready to close. These two new friends were so concerned about my state-of-mind, that they urged me to come to their apartment for the night.

I reluctantly agreed, and we talked into the wee hours of the morning. They were a God-send to me. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through those dismal hours without their compassion and concern.

Little did I know that this new friendship would lead me (unwittingly) into another dysfunctional relationship with another combat vet. Or that I would soon learn the meaning of a dry drunk.

I’ll continue this in my next posting, and share what I learned through this strange pairing.

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By Charlene Rubush, October 4, 2010 11:26 am

October is “Domestic Violence Awareness Month.” This pervasive problem needs to be talked about every month of the year, in my opinion. As one who has been affected by it myself, I feel a duty to speak up.

While I survived my experience, there are lingering mental and emotional scars. A former husband (combat vet) had a catch-phrase he used often. He would tell me  (in a joking way, of course) “I’m the King, and you’re nothing.” Like water rushing over a rock, it eventually wears down the rock. You hear it enough, you begin to believe it, if only on a subconscious level.

I often wonder where he came up with that term. Perhaps his own father ( also a combat vet) used it on his wife, although I never bore witness to that. It will remain a mystery. And another mystery confounds me still. Why did I put up with it? My answer comes “Times were different then. Women were taught to defer to their husbands.” Plus the erosion of my self-esteem sapped my energy. I had little ego strength left to stand up to him. I also had two small children to raise. Oh, yes, and I had left him once before. He threatened suicide-begged me to come back. Promised to get counseling. And so it goes.

From the Womens Health Government website, we learn the distinct signs to be aware of, concerning verbal and emotional abuse. If these things are happening to you, you are being detrimentally affected, whether consciously or sub-consciously. Today there are many organizations available to help you recognize and deal with this type of abuse. You have options. You don’t have to stay in an abusive situation.

Do these sound familiar?  (From http://www.womenshealth.gov)

“You’re so stupid. You never do anything right!” (If so, you may be a victim of emotional abuse).

Emotional and verbal abuse—attempts to isolate, threaten, or intimidate—can harm you, even if you are not being abused physically. Emotional and verbal abuse are also often a sign that physical abuse will follow.

Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse include:

• yelling
• criticizing
• name-calling
• blaming you for everything
• playing mind games or manipulating you
• ordering you around
• keeping you from spending time with friends and family
• threatening to hurt you

No one deserves to be abused, physically or verbally.