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By Charlene Rubush, March 2, 2012 3:32 pm

Lately, I’ve been re-reading Vietnam Wives- Facing the Challenges of Life with Veterans Suffering from Pos-Traumatic Stress. (Second Edition, revised, 1996). Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. is like a touchstone for me when it comes to trying to make sense of my own PTSD experience.

For our veterans and their families of today, I’m sure it’s impossible to think of a time when there was no public discourse about PTSD, no internet, few books or literature to turn to when one was suffering in silence.

Back in 1987, when I reached out for help from the Veterans Outreach Center, they handed me a pamphlet which gave me information about combat-related PTSD, as it affected the veteran. There was no literature focused on a spouse’s reaction or the effects on the family of living in proximity to a veteran afflicted with PTSD.

But sometime later, I came across Vietnam Wives (First Edition, 1987) while browsing in a bookstore. It felt like a miracle; a life-preserver. Here was a book written for me and all the other Vietnam veteran wives. My reaction was sheer joy and I felt like shouting out “Hallelujah!” At last, someone had recognized my plight.

Matsakis writes (pg. 39)

“Denial is a central feature of PTSD. Like alcoholism, drug addiction, and compulsive overeating, PTSD is a condition that tells its victims that they don’t really have a problem.” ‘That’s what I told myself for years’, explains one vet. ‘I thought if I’d ignore it, it would go away.’

Matsakis also notes that some vets even pretended that the war “didn’t really happen.” This denial serves as a major defense against feeling the extremely uncomfortable feelings that often went along with the Vietnam experience—specifically, fear, guilt, and rage, as well as moral confusion.

Isn’t it amazing how the mind can play tricks on itself, in self-preservation? It took me years to come out of my own denial of how dysfunctional my life had become. And it’s been comforting to learn from an expert such as Dr. Matsakis, that denial is a normal part of having PTSD.

Yet denial helps us stay stuck in our own misery. We cannot make changes if we don’t acknowledge that there is a huge problem. It often takes a major crisis to shake us out of our denial. That’s what happened with me, and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

It’s something to think about…as they say in Al-Anon, If nothing changes, nothing changes.

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By Charlene Rubush, September 20, 2011 1:55 pm

I love it when I read articles like the one I stumbled across today. Kristine Gill reports from The Naples News in Florida, of a recent fishing tournament honoring veterans.

Take a Veteran Fishing Tournament took place on Saturday, at Calusa Island Marina in Goodland, Florida. Troy Pruitt, a competitive fisherman has participated in tournaments all along Southwest Florida, as well as The Keys But for the Naples native, no tournament has been as emotional as this event. “I get choked up thinking about it,” said the 38-year-old, who accompanied two Army veterans for a day of fishing at Goodland Bay. “There’s so much emotion. Win or lose it doesn’t matter. What these guys do for us is amazing, defending our country and our freedom.”

About 100 combat veterans from MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa fished on Saturday, in an event celebrating the efforts of area veterans in recent wars.

Pruitt’s boat of Army men won, catching the four-fish limit for a total of 17.96 pounds.

Mike Wieczorek, 46, a New York native stationed in Tampa, served in Afghanistan last summer. He said, “It’s awesome. Winning is great.”

Money raised through a raffle and auction this year will be donated to the Wounded Warriors Project, which helps injured veterans across the country. In its first year, 40 veterans showed for fishing and food at the marina.

Mark Finger, 62, said of the event. “I think it’s great. We didn’t have anything like this when I came home from Vietnam.”

To read the complete article:

http://naplesnews.com/news/2011/sep24/take-a-veteran-fishing-goodland-soldiers/?

Note:

News like this just thrills my heart. I can only look back and imagine how the public’s acceptance and respect might have helped our Vietnam vets when they came home. So glad to know things are changing for the better in that regard. Better late than never.

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By Charlene Rubush, January 3, 2011 3:57 pm

Although Christmas has now passed, I’ve been reflecting on the ways our combat veterans often have trouble emotionally dealing with the holidays.

Memories of Christmas’s that I experienced many years ago, when I was married to a Marine Corps Vietnam combat vet, have resurfaced in my mind. I thought of how uncertain they were. It seemed that my former husband could only enjoy the holidays, if we were able to spend them with his parents and siblings.

But there were years when we weren’t able to travel to see them. Those Christmas’s inevitably were full of tension and devoid of joy. He would get uptight. He would close down emotionally. He would often spend a lot of time away from home. His actions added to my increasing feelings of inadequacy. I did my best to cope, and try to put on a happy face for the kids, but it was tough.

What made it even worse was that my parents had always made a big, happy deal of Christmas. I grieved for the lost magic that I’d always associated with that special time of year, and for the fact that our children would not have such memories to recall as they grew up.

I knew my vet’s problematic emotions were related to things he’d experienced in Nam, and yet those things were mostly kept quiet. The only times he could open up, were the many nights when he was extremely inebriated.

I share these memories now, because I know so many of you are going through similar circumstances. Charles R. Figley, author of Strangers at Home- Vietnam Veterans Since the War, writes (p.49)

 “There is a core of anger in the soul of almost every veteran, and we are justified in calling it bitterness, but the bitterness of one man is not the same as the bitterness of another. In one man it becomes a consuming flame that sears his soul and burns his body. In another it is barely traceable….much depends upon the veteran’s temperament, upon where and under what circumstances he served, and upon his experiences after he is released from service.”

I am so grateful for the understanding and insight I’ve gained from learning from experts such as Charles R. Figley. When I was going through my troubled times living with my combat vet, I only had my own intuition to guide me. There was so little information available then, for those of us who were living with the fallout of the Vietnam War. 

For those of you struggling this holiday season, I say “Hang in there. Learn all you can. Reach out for help, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Things can and do get better.”

I’m living proof. I’ve just had a lovely, peaceful Christmas, and I’m grateful. Very grateful for my many blessings. It’s been a long road of healing, but I’m getting there. You can too.

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By Charlene Rubush, October 11, 2010 4:01 pm

I’m continuing to post reviews of books that have helped me in my understanding of the long-term effects of living with PTSD. Family members of combat vets often suffer terrible consequences of being in close proximity to their beloved veteran, whether the PTSD is untreated or treated. True recovery does not come easily. Too often it doesn’t come at all.

Reading  real stories of those who are making it, day-by-day, can provide hope and raise awareness of this ongoing issue. After finishing Mary S. King’s memoir, all I wanted to do was give her a hug. She certainly deserves one for all she’s been through, and all that she has given. My review is of the First Edition of “Facing the Wall.” (It’s now available in a revised and expanded version).  

Facing the Wall- A Mission- a never-ending journey by Mary S. King

This Should Become a Classic —”PTSD is a Family Issue”

Mary S. King has written a book that should be required reading for every American citizen. She deserves a Vietnam Service Medal, as she has served, and continues to serve our country in an honorable way.

She has taken her marriage vows seriously, as she loves and supports her combat veteran husband, Jim, who is still suffering from his wartime experience. With this book, she invites us into their world. It is a world of broken dreams. She has had to accept that the early promise of her marriage to a decent, caring man, has deteriorated into a lifetime of their having to fight horrendous demons of the war.

With great bravery, she takes over the role of breadwinner and support system for her husband, who is too damaged mentally and emotionally to handle that role. She loves her husband and their two sons fiercely, going above and beyond the call of duty as she stands by Jim through his depressions, flashbacks, and eventual hospitalizations in the VA.

It is only after he is officially diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome that things improve somewhat. As Mary notes, “when you fight PTSD, or any illness, it is easier to struggle against it when you know what the demon is that you are fighting.”

Their ensuing trip to The Wall in Washington, D.C. is an emotionally wrenching scene that is hard to forget. This book provides great insight into the true emotional, physical, mental and spiritual costs of war for veterans, their family and friends.

Mary is a true American heroine, standing for the values of faithfullness, courage and hope. Her story speaks for legions of women who have paid a steep price for loving a war veteran. I know of what I speak, for I was once a “Vietnam wife.”

How sad that this book is so timely, as the Iraq war rages on. Fortunately, the wives, sweethearts, and families of our veterans in this latest war, will have this book to inform, inspire and encourage them.

It’s a book Mary, myself and so many others wish we could have had many years ago, when there was nothing written for or about us.

Thank you Mary, for shining a light on us!

http://www.amazon.com/books

Note: This review was written before we were so heavily embroiled in the war in Afghanistan. That war seems to have no end in sight.

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By Charlene Rubush, June 21, 2010 2:08 pm

Jack Nickalus is helping combat veterans by redesigning and expanding the American Lake Veterans Golf Course. It’s going to be a one-of-a-kind, 18-hole layout geared specifically for disabled golfers.

Recently, in Lakewood, Washington, Nicklaus handed one of his signature line hybrid clubs to Danny Dudek.

Dudek, an Army lieutenant colonel, paralyzed below both knees, was propped up inside a “SoloRider,” a specially designed cart with a seat that tilts up to support disabled golfers when they swing. Dudek drove the ball into the sunny Northwest sky, past lush evergreens and landed about 150 yards down the driving range.

The dedication and promise for renewal behind Dudek’s drive, is what inspires Nicklaus. The golf great is donating his expertise to design what will perhaps be the most appreciated course he will ever build.

Nicklaus notes “All projects are very important to me. But this one is out of love.” He has designed more than 300 courses around the world and has 100 more in the works. “I’m a hired gun to do things a lot of places. But I’m not a hired gun here. I’m doing this because I want to do this,” he says.

Nicklaus commented “You know, I was married and had children before I even got out of college, so I was never in the service. I never knew what these guys have gone through, and it’s just something to behold. I had a lot of friends who were in and went to Vietnam. They came back and their lives were scarred in a lot of ways. So to be able to give back—even though I couldn’t contribute from that standpoint, I sure can from this standpoint.”

The golfer’s work is the centerpiece of the $4.5 million project at American Lake called “A Course in Courage: Healing America’s Veterans Through Golf.” His design will start becoming reality once American Lake raises about $2 million more funds.

It’s estimated that 8 out of every 10 golfers who play American Lake have suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. And those who play keep coming back. Many older veterans now volunteer on the course’s maintenance crew.

More than 12,000 rounds of golf were played between April 2009 and August 2009. The demand is expected to grow soon, as the largest number of homecoming of veterans in 30 years arrives back from Iraq and Afghanistan. Many will have severe injuries and emotional trauma.

“When you lose a limb, lose an arm, all of a sudden you feel like you are ostrasized from society. This puts these guys back into society. It gives them self-worth,” Nicklaus said. “To us their self-worth will never be questioned. But to them, sometimes they worry about that …Golf gives them a new lease on life. Hopefully, this is a prototype for a lot of places around the country.”

Retired Army Gen. John Shalikashvilli, the former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, suffered a massive stroke in 2004 and is in a wheelchair. The resident of nearby DuPont was among those golfing from a SoloRider during Nicklaus’ visit.

“I think it’s terrific,” the former general said of the course. Because it shows that no matter what the injury is, it’s not life-ending.”

 (Info provided from article by Greg Bell, of The Associated Press)

 View full article at:

 http://www.militarytimes.com/news/2010/06/ap_vets_wounded_nicklaus_course_062010

 Charlene’s Note:

 This article is so inspiring, as we are learning that taking part in sports can be a great healing agent for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as for adapting to physical injuries. Kudos to Jack Nicklaus for the great work he is doing on behalf of our veterans.