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By Charlene Rubush, October 10, 2012 3:18 pm

The National Center for PTSD website has excellent fact sheets on anything PTSD-related. Here are some highlights on how living with PTSD affects family members:

PTSD Can Make Somebody Hard to Be With.

• Living with someone who is easily startled, has nightmares, and often avoids social situations can take a toll on the most caring family.
• Early research on PTSD has shown the harmful impact of PTSD on families.
• This research showed that Vietnam veterans have more marital  problems and family violence.
• Their partners have more distress.
• Their children have more behavior problems that those of veterans without PTSD.
• Veterans with the most severe symptoms has families with the worst functioning.

Common Reactions of Family Members:

Sympathy 

You may feel sorry for your loved one’s suffering. But be careful not to treat him as a permanently disabled person. With help, he (or she) can feel better.

Negative Feelings

PTSD can make someone seem like a different person. Your family member may seem to no longer have the traits you loved. It may be hard to feel good about them. The best way to avoid negative feelings is to EDUCATE yourself about PTSD.

Even if your loved one refuses treatment, you may benefit from some support.

Depression

This is common among family members when the person with PTSD causes feelings of pain or loss. When PTSD lasts a long time, you may begin to lose hope that your family will ever “get back to normal.”

Note:

Social support is extremely important for preventing and helping with PTSD.

It is important for family members to take care of themselves: both for their own good, and to help the person dealing with PTSD.

To read the whole fact sheet, go to:

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/effects-ptsd-family.asp

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By Charlene Rubush, July 16, 2012 12:54 pm

Today I’ve been thinking about how writing has been instrumental in my life. Like many people (I’d venture to say, mostly women) I kept a diary during high school. –That diary went missing as I moved into adulthood, married a combat vet, had my children, and worked as a hairdresser.

Fortunately, while cleaning out my mother’s home as her health was deteriorating and we were doing some remodeling, my son found my diary. He’d been working on a sun-porch when he came across it.

He then came to me, looking like a Cheshire cat. He grinned as he said, “Mom, I found something of yours, and I think you’re going to like it.” Luckily, it was found before we started pitching things into the trash.

It’s kind of funny where he found it. It had been taped to the bottom of a small stool. While I had no recollection of having put it there, it did make sense in a strange way. I certainly didn’t want my parents to “invade my privacy” and find out my “teenage” secrets.

It has been fun to re-read those thoughts so common during your formative years, when you’re “trying to figure out what life’s all about.” Many pages induce laughter as I am reminded of how the theme that stands out throughout the diary is how “enamored” I was with boys. Classic!

That diary means so much to me today. And on a more serious note, while my writing fell off during my marriage, there were times when I simply had to “vent” my feelings on what was happening in my life.

Those writings became of the utmost importance after my divorce.—It gave me a look back, where I could re-read what I’d written, and it confirmed how serious the mental abuse had been. For when living with someone with PTSD, you often begin to feel as if you’re “going crazy.” Revisiting some of the traumatic events, made me realize that anyone living in such a situation is bound to often feel as if “they are losing their mind.”

Yet in reality, the most normal of human beings will be adversely affected mentally by being in proximity to bizarre and unpredictable behavior. (Secondary PTSD, anyone?)

It can be very valuable to have something concrete, papers to hold in your hand, that validate your experiences. It has been vital in serving as an outlet for me, a way to vent my feelings and clarify thoughts. I credit writing for helping me regain my sanity.

I hope all of you will consider journaling as a way to work through your traumatic experiences. –I just came across a site today that can be helpful in starting to “journal for your own therapy.”

There are some excellent articles on how to start journaling for your mental health. Try it, you might like it.

 Check out http://www.GoodTherapy.org.

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By Charlene Rubush, July 6, 2012 5:12 pm

Part Two:

Thank goodness, today there seems to be a greater awareness of the high price military families pay when their loved ones go off to war.

I know that the day I listened to Bert Carson, a Vietnam veteran speak, (back in the early 90′s) was an integral part of  healing my psychic wounds. When he asked those women in the audience who were wives of combat vets, to stand up and be recognized, I felt I was no longer invisible and alone.

Only those who “have been there” truly know just how hard life can be when your loved one comes back from war and is not the person you said “goodbye” to. Looking back on my experience of being a spouse of a combat vet, reminds me that my life back then, was anything but “normal.”

When my Vietnam vet husband came back from Nam, he left the military. Therefore, we were pretty much on our own. We never received any material from the military advising us that we might be eligible for counseling should we encounter problems related to my husband’s service. We’d never heard the term “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” It was like we were stumbling around in the dark, trying to find the light switch.

I doubt that any of my civilian friends were experiencing nights like I had, where my sleep was interrupted 3-4 nights a week, by a stumbling, incoherent drunk, mumbling about things he’s seen and done in Nam.

I rarely shared what was happening at home with friends, and never with relatives. I felt it was “private” and “embarrassing.”

Today I know that my “keeping of secrets” was what helped me become seriously depressed, physically ill, and feeling hopeless.

It was only years later, after my divorce, that I was able to “speak my truth.” What a freeing thing that was. Every time I spoke about my experience (to counselors and often to strangers) I felt a lifting and renewal of my spirit. I found that once I realized I was “proud of myself” for enduring what many people wouldn’t or couldn’t endure, I could use that truth to heal my deepest wounds.

I hope that all of you out there now, who are going through the toughest of times with your veteran, will pat yourself on the back. Don’t be afraid to “speak your truth” to a listening ear.

If you can’t find someone to listen, (but I’m sure you will) pour your heart out on a journal page, or even speak into a recorder. There is great POWER in owning your experiences, and acknowledging your personal sacrifices.

Hopefully you will find that Earnest Hemingway’s words “life breaks us all and afterward many are strong at the broken places” apply to you.

Today I know that has been true for me. Even with all the heartache, drama, and trauma, I take great pride in having been a spouse of a war veteran.

I wish all of you well on your personal journeys. Speak your truth and Keep the faith…

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By Charlene Rubush, September 17, 2010 1:29 pm

There are now so many wonderful books being written by our returning soldiers. I’ve decided to share this book review I wrote (which is posted on amazon.com) after reading Jeremiah Workman’s searing memoir. I often wonder where such author’s gain the strength and insight to be able to revisit their trauma and share it with the reading public. I’m just glad that they do.

Shadow of the Sword: A Marine’s Journey of War, Heroism,and Redemption by Jeremiah Workman and John Buhning

——Intimate, Courageous Look into the Hell of War, Its Aftermath and Learning to Live with PTSD

Jeremiah Workman is not only one admirable Marine, but he’s also a tremendous human being. He has written an absolutely awesome book. Not only is the writing crisp and unflinching, the story behind it is riveting and gut-wrenching. What we ask of our soldiers!

I found this book to be among the very best that show the mental and emotional devastation that enduring fierce combat brings upon a soldier. Workman describes the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that he now lives with, (for those of us who remember vinyl records) as like a groove in a record which gets stuck, and plays the same note over and over again. Once the groove is there, it cannot be removed.

Workman shows the reader, in gory detail, what his life as a Marine has been like, from training at Parris Island, to his mind-blowing tour in Iraq, especially the battle in Fallujah that claimed so many of his buddies, and left him with severe survivor guilt. He shows us what it was like for him, as he became a drill instructor back again at Parris Island, and his PTSD shifted into high gear.

I learned so many things from reading this book. Like what the life of a drill instructor is like, and the fact that they have one of the highest divorce rates in the Marine Corps. And that the VA had only planned for 8,000 cases of PTSD, and there will be well over more than 700,000 thousand cases of it by the time the war ends.

Only now we’re also sending more troops to Afghanistan. There is truly no end in sight. What a wave of anguish is washing over our country. And yet denial continues. It continues in the American public.

And for so many reasons, it continues in our soldiers themselves, until the pain grows so severe, the problem can no longer be denied. Even then, not all of those needing help seek it from the VA. And who pays the price along with our soldiers? It’s the spouses, children and other family members.

This book has astounded me with its brutal candor. What guts this American hero and recipient of the Navy Cross, displays as he bares his soul to us. Parts of this book made me weep. I will never forget this young American soldier, or the price he and his family have paid for our freedom. May he and his loved ones, somehow find the peace they have truly earned.

Workman tells us that by joining the Vets for Freedom Heroes tour in 2008 and speaking about his experiences, he has started the healing process. In sharing, he continues to serve our country, holding up a mirror to us.

Every American should read this book, so that each citizen will be more understanding and compassionate toward our returning combat veterans. And also understand that we owe them and must provide, all the help they need. And that we will begin to truly realize that the aftereffects of war can be just as consequential, as the initial battles.

I applaud Jeremiah Workman and his family for all they have given up for us, and for the fact that he is determined to make the most of his life, in spite of PTSD. I wish them all the best.

I pray that his story goes a long way in eradicating the shame that stills accompanies those afflicted with PTSD, especially our soldiers. He has shone a hopeful light on this deadly serious subject. Very, very, highly recommended reading!!

http://www.jeremiahworkman.com.

http://www.amazon.com.

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By Charlene Rubush, August 16, 2010 4:36 pm

For over 40 years now, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has been a major problem for many Vietnam veterans. It’s one of the main conditions treated by the VA. It’s said to be one of the major causes of divorce for Vietnam veterans. And, if some of the suicide statistics are true (and there’s room for argument on both sides), PTSD is a major cause of suicide among Vietnam veterans.

VietNow is very fortunate that two compassionate PTSD experts – experienced counselor Mary Tendall and her associate Jan Fishler – have shared their expertise with us in the form of a great series of articles with ideas on how to deal with PTSD.

In the history of the VietNow National Magazine nothing has come close to the response to these articles. These articles have not only touched a nerve, but have also provided a healing touch.

Since it’s obvious that PTSD won’t be going away any time soon, and because it sometimes seems that the problem is getting bigger rather than smaller – and because there are differences of opinion on the topic – we have published lots of articles, stories, and poems related to this painful topic.

We hope something you’ll read here with touch you in a good way, and we hope that if you need help with your ghosts, maybe something here will point you (or someone close to you) in the direction of help.

If you have questions or comments about your PTSD-related problems, Jan and Mary have kindly made themselves available to help. They assure your confidentiality and invite you to e-mail them directly at:
Jan Fishler: jan@tincatmedia.com
Mary Tendall: maryten@jps.net

Some of the article titles are:

Featured PTSD Articles by Jan and Mary – and other writers.

Getting Through the Rough Times
There are ways to help the PTSD sufferer through the physical and emotional pain, but you also have to take care of yourself during the process.

Living With Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are deep and often debilitating emotions that can haunt individuals for years. Exploring the origin and impact of guilt and shame from the perspective of combat veterans and family members.

http://www.vietnow.com

Charlene Rubush’s Note:

VietNow is an awesome organization which is committed to helping all veterans and their families. Much of what we now know about PTSD has come from the study of Nam vets and their families.

Please visit their website and learn all about them. I’ve gained a lot from my membership with them. Their magazine is phenomenal, and they’ve been  working hard for many years, to better veterans lives.

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By Charlene Rubush, June 7, 2010 12:40 pm

Part Two:

More from the www.helpstartshere.org website article on tips for veterans and their spouses living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: I’ve added a few of my own ideas too.

Things to Remember

•  Always be truthful with your vet. This builds trust. Tell him calmly when his behavior is not normal. If you don’t know if it’s normal, ask others, and observe others. Don’t walk on eggshells. 
• Accept that he probably will never be totally the same. He is now, in many ways, a different person.
• Grieve for what is lost, and move on. This is your life now, even though it’s not fair.
• Stay on top of medications. Try to notice the changes with new medications or when he stops taking meds, and report this calmly to your vet. Suggest he call his medication prescriber if the side effects are problematic. Running out of meds can trigger depression and other problems.
• Anticipate drug and alcohol problems. Learn about resources for you, your kids and for your vet. Find out what to do. Discourage him from isolating and drinking or doing drugs.
• If he isolates himself, point this out and encourage involvement with family, sources of help. Don’t go with isolation for long periods of time.
• Short periods of withdrawal to help control anger make sense, but withdrawing from life into a “bunker” is not helpful.
• When you have conflict, which is normal and to be expected, focus on the issue at hand and resist bringing up issues from the past. Stay focused on the issue, not the person and seek solutions, not who is to blame.
• If possible, set a time limit for hot topics of a few minutes, and take a time-out with an agreement to discuss this issue later. Be sure to again discuss later.
• If you feel concerned about violence in your home, bring others into the situation: your minister, a trusted friend, a counseling professional and talk about your concerns calmly when things are not escalated.
• Don’t keep any concerns about violence secret. If necessary, to protect yourself and your children, call the police!
• Sometimes war experiences cause a spiritual crisis, a loss of faith. If your vet’s not finding help with this, you might encourage him to keep looking. There are spiritual advisors who understand combat and PTSD.
• Physical exercise helps everyone release anxiety and tension. Stay active and   encourage your vet to do the same. Regular meals, good nutrition, plenty of rest and time for play help everyone cope with stress.
• Take care of yourself in many different ways. You matter just as much as your vet!!
• Handling traumatic stress in a loved one is very stressful for most partners! Learn and use stress reduction techniques, such as meditation, guided imagery, journaling about your feelings, talking to a friend, and joining a support group. Twelve step programs are free and found everywhere.

Enjoy the good times. When bad times come, hang on! Good times will come again.

 Stay tuned:

I’ll be sharing more from this website, and words from this particular support group. The Epilogue to the whole article states:

 “This is an article in progress. We are learning that many of the Iraq vets have traumatic brain injury as well as PTSD, which brings new challenges, and often requires a spouse to remember things for their vet.

We are learning that it is hard to tell how much someone can recover from a traumatic brain injury. We believe that drawing together in a community of support and encouragement is still the best way to face these unknowns, and we are grateful for the good company of one another.”

Visit:

http://www.helpstartshere.org

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By Charlene Rubush, March 22, 2010 10:45 pm

PART ONE:

Clint Van Winkle, author of  Soft Spots: A Marine’s Memoir of Combat and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder believes that all veterans of all wars return home with this illness. It is only the severity of the disease and the willingness to accept the diagnosis that varies from veteran to veteran.

Van Winkle went to Iraq from February until “Mission Accomplished” in June of 2003. In those 5 months he does not believe he fought for Iraqi freedom or liberation, but solely for his life and the lives of his friends. In the 150 or so days he was in the Middle East, what he did, experienced and witnessed would leave him with a mental illness that he and his family are forced to cope with for the remainder of his life.

In an interview with the Delicious Day blog,  (4-24-2009) Van Winkle  spares no words on the toll that participating in war takes on soldiers. On why Van Winkle joined the Marines,  he notes:

I was in college and I was not doing that great. It seemed like there was more to do and I wanted to challenge myself. I hoped at some point that I would go to war. I remember watching the Gulf War on television and it seemed exciting.

What seemed exciting about war?

Combat in general seemed exciting. It seemed like something rough men go and do. Going off and fighting and coming back home has a romantic feel to it. I watched a lot of war movies when I was younger. That is where I got all of my information.

Looking back now, what event or events do you think caused PTSD?

There are certain events that stick with me more than others but I think it was the entire experience. Continue reading 'Iraq War Veteran and Author Clint Van Winkle Shares His Thoughts on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder'»

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By Charlene Rubush, January 18, 2010 8:41 pm

While recently researching resources for dealing with PTSD, I was amazed by the volume of helping websites, support groups, organizations, literature, etc. My first reaction was sheer joy, and my second reaction was the thought “How my life might have been different, if I’d only known what I’d been dealing with!”

For my heartbreaks and challenges, living with PTSD, started in the mid-60′s. Of course, this was long before the term “PTSD” had been coined. So I floundered around, just trying to live life; doing my best day by day, and yet knowing, deep in my gut, I was living an abnormal life. I tried denying it. Telling myself, “oh, my life is just very interesting, more interesting than most.” Right-o… Continue reading 'Lets Talk About it'»